Do What U Want with Me

I'm a High School dropout.

I've spent six years in the primary and almost two years in high school

I was that kid with good grades 

I was praised around the school

I was that kid, the one who dated at a very young age 

    although i was so young then, i wouldn't really call it an actual relationship

    everything seemed blurry now

I was that one kid that brought good grades home, until my household gifted me 

"you're never good enough", "you never reach our satisfaction."

The infinitely shifted goals, the abnormal standards, the perfection

I have experienced mental illness when i was just 12

I didn't know I was bearing with one until i was 16

I, even, was too afraid to even admit that I was mentally ill

It played the big parts in every ruin I've made throughout my life

I have spent my entire childhood trying to fulfill satisfactions

I used to believe that 

    a good boy must listen and embody others opinions

        what they have to say about me

        what they think I should do

    a good boy will not blink in front of the family's guest, must always bow down

    a good boy must always fulfill his family's dreams and satisfaction and requirements

    a good boy must never talk about his feelings or people would deem him as weak and feminine

    a good boy must always go to school, come back and complete his homework

    a good boy must respond in the most well-mannered way if his friends backstabbed him or even when his family gave him the shitbags

    

Looking back at my first twelve years of my life, I saw that i neglected myself

I lost myself from the big picture

Then I was about 13 when i've experienced something unusual

    Constant back pain, constant headache, constant " I am not feeling well today"

    Constant "i am not good enough"

    I later developed stomachaches

    I ignored the signs because my family tagged it as "lazy"

    My school performance has declined drastically

Late 2015, my first year in high school

I skipped classes

I barely have any records in my student's observatory book, i hid it from mom

Then there's this new version of my high school, NGS

I applied for it, got accepted

I attended the school for just a single day, I got kicked off at 7:16 a.m. in the early morning

    Because I didn't go to school for a week, my third sister got married at the same time.

    I was there when my friends left me alone on that white marble bench

    I was there when the cold air of May swept over my face

    I was there when all of my friends forgot my existence for almost two years

    Nobody was there when i was trapped underneath the landslide

From that point on

Shits happened, but now

It feels as though, it is a story that is worth not telling repeatedly

It was a story of the sunflower boy, who lived his life in full youth.

The petty dramas in the squat, the romance that was as sweet as a glass of sweetened chocolate shake and corrosive bone-eroding acid, a change of taste that left me in the cinema during christmas' eve.

But this is what I want you to take from me

Through 6 years of escapism

I've learned that

    Because we are intrinsically insecure 

    i am not amounted to anyone's opinions about me

    i am entitled to my own opinion and my space of thoughts

    my appearance and beauty standard and whatever i wear is my own choice

    on your own, you have to learn to toss out the misogynies

    you weren't born with it, it was embedded into you

    no one really actually cares if you're dropped out of high school

    all folks want to do is enforce their opinion on you

    no matter what you do, after all you're still the one that has gotta find your own way

    no one gives a fuck if your dreams are disintegrated

    no one really actually gives a fuck of how lonely you are in your world

    put boundaries to everything, it really matters

    I didn't have to be lost in yesterday, don't we all want growth?

    One's freedom is based upon their decision.

Doubting your every step is the legitimate by product of the comparisons you've faced

But I forgave myself, instead of choosing to constantly bury myself

I chose to adjust my situation when in the boredom spawning places

I chose to love myself from the second i woke up in the morning until the bedtime of the night

I chose to embrace every struggle and challenge, the time when i earned a contract with the art center or the time i almost got hit by a wasp-speeded bus.

Chronologically speaking, in the big picture, I'm able to see myself again

I've found myself

I've also found that i am progressively and gradually gettin' better

Though troubles keep falling in my laps

Sometimes it is more than one major setback

But I'm still on track

I'm not the best at putting my past pains down verbally

All that I'm shooting for is to give myself a proper closure

Because I won't be sitting here searching for an answer and validation

I no longer carry that bag

I'm sick of that old soring pain

I want to grow up

I don't want it to be a part of me for the rest of my life

I forgive

I let go

"You don't have to stop the party

My body belongs to you as long as i orbit around you

I am just as adaptable as a tardigrade

Say whatever and do whatever you want now

Do What U Want with Me"