borderline - the diary

Aug 1, 2022 11:10 p.m.

There are things that i've said or written down that i don't really mean it. because, i always sit in front of my bedroom window, staring at the afterglow, reminiscing about the person i thought was the 1, the time when i should have said it, the time i should have to go the riverside or the time i went out alone for burger and fries. these are, most of the time, the reasons why. Their notion,  i wouldn't last a minute, but i'm still here full-fucking-time. bares it all with my lower limb, body and soul. Deep down we know they wouldn't last a minute, dear. You could either choose to free roll down the steep hill or get the fuck up and walk. I have lasted years.

Aug 26, 2022 9:24 p.m.

i'm waking up every day trying to tell myself that whatever I'm doing isn't a compensation to the fact that i'm a highschool dropout. an endless reassurance. i still find myself stuck in between this tug o' war. at this point, i don't even know anything about myself anymore. do you ever run for such a long distance that when u stop your face pulsate and your body wobble?, if this is a phase in life, this is how i'm feeling right now. is it the same problems i am facing or is it all in my head? but why is there this inflicting pain when i am triggered? i hope that all the energy that i've put into healing myself wasn't a hoax. do i have choices or not at all? i still hope that what i'm seeing when I dig down deep was a part of the real world.

Sep 7, 2022 10:43 a.m.

I'm stuck, here helplessly.

I really hope it is not all in my head when I am feeling like I dropped out of school, hence why they are tying my legs. I knew very well that I am the artist and the writer in my own life. It is not because I chose to not make my voice heard, rejection and disagreements plagued my ability to do so. They have made me feel less of a being many times. They painted my dreams a bad color and proceeded to call me clueless with their hurtful words.

Here goes the path I wanna walk: to go back home, have a decent paying job, feed myself and help mom of her debts if possible. My sisters forced mom to sell the house. The person I loathed wants me to help her all the way once she goes back to work. 

Is it reasonable enough for me to sit here soaking in this ocean of endless suffer?

They would do anything to keep me around them, I can hardly breathe, here; around them.

Someone has said hurtful things to me because I chose death and company. In their eyes, I'm disabled. The questions that she chose not to ask me is inside her. This invisibility is as loud as a launching sonic speed jet.

I need someone to tell me it's not all not my head.

Sep 9, 2022 2:30 p.m.

When you choose forgiveness, you cleared all the bad air and the thorns and barb wires that was once blocked your way.

I've consequently, in the last few days, learned that mom has about twenty thousand dollars in debt.

She called me earlier at the moment, mother and son catch up.

There was a sense of ocean-depth worriness, unnerving serendipity and blood-warmth comfortability in the look of her eyes and the wrinkles of her cheeks.

I've taken a long course of "seeing it the other way 'round" to be able to see this other side of the moon and appreciate it...

Sep 25, 2022 10:37 p.m.

I went to Instagram, expected to see something fun

Instead, what was in my sight gave me a sudden pang of chill, all over my body.

She uploaded a picture of her holding a piece o' paper that appeared to be a plane ticket with some baggage on the floor next to her feet. In the same sudden, my heart almost stopped. On the same sudden, a very haunting kaleidoscope of memories flashed through my head. My bones abruptly ached. My lungs are constricted of air. I don't wanna anything back, I'm being the most honest here. The chamber of my heart that I've reserved for her, my weakness disguised as "her". I'm just a fuckin fool. He's now only looking forward to painting and drinking. Almost, the beer is now his turpentine. Almost, the beer is now the gold color he uses to paint.

Oct 8 2022 8:51 a.m.

In the age of growth and responsibility

I have come to learn that;

Whatever promises you have vowed with someone

It dies when the relationship fades

In the field of blooming Forgot-Me-Not, in Alaska

and

In the valley of Sunflowers, where I stand

In my imagination, in the alternate world, where is my life supposed to be 

In this same place, the flowers wilted and the scenic forest in the background burnt

With the cold hue contusion on my face, I'm standing

I'm standing here, watching

Watching them intrude my dreamscape

They've scissored the green screen, bulleted the silver screen

They've unplugged the bulbs

They left me and said, " Wake up!"

In the world of constant evolution

I seek to liberate myself

I am on a lifetime voyage to find freedom

i am on a lifetime journey to find an answer to everything that's life

I am the enigmatic illusionist who feeds on the illusion called, freedom

So it goes;

My fabric of life was quilted together because 

When I was young;

I pray for lighting on the sunny day, knowing it will come and find me

When I grow up;

I chose to believe in freedom

I heard a sine

I saw the sunlight pierced through the cloudy dark sky

There goes the rhythm of jagging electric guitar and the blood-felt bass chords and the soul swaying piano tunes

I have found the answer

I have found the answer to everything that's life, in the life of mine

I am ARTPOP.

Oct 15, 2022 8:11 a.m.

Last night I cried

A sense of joyous and victory rushed through my blood streams

The chicken feed I earned from those that believed in me

In that sudden

I ran to my CDs collection

I lifted ARTPOP up, and gave her a gentle and thankful kiss

We all grow up to the phrase

"Everything fun must come to an end."

So

The life of an artist, our heart is always broken

Two fortnights ago

The art shop that gave me a platform 

The art shop that believed in me

Announced, "We will close our shop in late November."

"Come to me, with all your subtext and fantasy

Just do the things that you do, in a perverse hue

Lover's kites, are flown on beaches for public sight

The color palette you choose, could profit you."

A hybrid can definitely belong together.

Oct 16, 2022 10:32 p.m.

Every night now, every night

The sky was every shade of blue, including the darkest one

So six nights ago, I pinked the lampshade

This warmth doesn't even bother to warm the electrical feeling of the cool room

The rhythm of the pulsation of my body

I'm feeling the launch of Rocket No.9

To the land where lush was accepted 

To the land where sin is one's joyous psychedelic trip

The void of night time, then I juiced myself

Now, playing, the cold vox and the wind-gliding chirps of cricket

The atmosphere made it possible

Now, playing, the chanty synthesizer

So happy I could die

Mão, Earl of right, he danced with me every night...

So happy I could...die

Nov 16, 2022 8:58 a.m.

I just want to punch the rough side of the granite and scream until I break down crying

I've been on Motorcycle

I've been in Cars

I've been in Cafe

I've been in Cinema

I've been in Toilet

I've been in Convenient Stores

It all left me feeling flustered waking up the next day

Those places felt so pink when I was there

But i swear to god, I'm seeing a dull abandoned brutalist building when I pass them again someday.

U can't say I've never learned.

I do.

I do.

I did.

I chose to do sand art in the shape of a red X mark.
It was naturally swept away by the very wind that used to brush through my hair.

I can guarantee you it wasn't what I've said

It wasn't what I've said when I was there all by myself when I was with them.

Partially, about three quarters, I am the problem.

Is it the attention that I'm longing for?

Is it that I'm very dramatic?

Is it love, I wondered.

They are nice,

Until they don't.

I wouldn't care much if a picture of my body leaked.

But,

I fear I have to repeat my story to people.

But,

I fear my texts haven't responded

But, 

I fear my heart will be broken again

But, again and again.

I thought they'll eventually come when I least expected it.

So does it, so does they.

As such, they disappeared when I least expected it.

I least expected it when I'm sitting waiting on them.

I'm feeling sick in my gut when i don't even fuckin know what phase i'm in, whence with them or by myself.

I'd love it better if i dream about a zombie apocalypse than about someone hugging me.

I don't ever want to break any part of me or anything I hold sacred.

I noticed that I am happier when I am all by myself, ever.

Nov 26, 2022 1:40 p.m.

I can prove that I have tried.

I have been bending over backward along my way on the yellow brick roads

I have been bending over backward to find any possible alternate road

I'm on the highway unicorn

On this road to love, to freedom

I have coaxed many into paradise

I have been...[sigh]

*breathing deeper - getting up and going..

Dec 25, 2022 2:12 p.m.

Now,

Here 'n' now,

I am sitting here waiting on someone.

He was more firm. I don't wanna use all those cliche words

He told me he'll be relaxed this time and again, i believed them again

All these reminded me of the last year

In some way, it almost made me trapped and stuck in the same place still

Here 'n' now,

Everything feels calmer now

Beside the caffeine jitteriness and the "longing for someone",

I am doing okay.

For the last 365 days,

I have earned just enough to satisfy my needs.

I have consigned my artworks to a few places.

I have fulfilled my desire to keep my hair long.

I have overcome the traumas, some of it.

I have tried a few new things.

I have read three books.

I have exercised, consistently six times per week.

I have tossed out any unwelcome misogynistic values.

It is a very very long way here.

One More Year.

From the rooftop of Pteas Chas, On Christmas.

Dec 28, 2022 7:21 p.m.

I'm feeling like I'm stuck between "the expectations" and 'the reality".

I'm in complete control of my desire and my wanting but

I, I do not, at all know what exactly he wants.

I can't act like romance doesn't matter to me when i have given my heart away.

Even when I'm feeling the slightest pain, I won't crucify the things you do.

 

About everything I do,

I'm feeling like I have to shed my skin with a double-serrated blade butcher knife 

To prove myself,

To prove that I'm worth doing the things that I am doing right now.

I always promised and guaranteed myself every nights

That when I wake up the next day

Another brighter day I'll be living in.

I feel like my life is only the songs I listen to.

That, I mean that, I can feel my emotions better when there's the sound of music.

I still feel tired.

Jan 2, 2023 1:20 p.m.

The first entry of this new year.

Last night I dreamt of something so vivid and so "me".

This new year, I am questioning different things now.

I'm only curious about the path ahead of me and what's forthcoming.

Staring into the blank feels like looking straight at the center point of Ouchi"s.

Hypnotically, I'm questioning if my art means anything at all.

Random thought, it told me to relax, sometimes.

Whether it sells or it doesn't, it doesn't really matter.

Whether it works or it doesn't, does it really matter?

Because,

Because, I'm craving the satisfaction of having money in my hand, always.

That i'm feeling like I'm losing my integrity as an artist, sometimes.

Tough environment does change your perspective sometimes.

I just don't want to sell myself.

I live for the applause.

I live for the applause.

I live for the applause.

Chanting in my head wherever I go.

I love the art, not the bling.

I love the art, Not the bling.

I love the Art, Not the bling.

Because at the dawn of a new day,

You!

Me, I know very well that it equates to new battles.

Hence, a new lesson.

Hence, A constant need for applause.

[...] It fuels me in some way, it really does [...]

I understand now.

I understand now, that was why it can really broke someone down mentally and physically.

✌️ ARTPOP!

Jan 8, 2023 11:10 a.m.

I wanna run to the edge of a precipice

I wanna stand there until a strong blow of wind pushes me back to the safe spot. 

Jan 18, 2023 9:45 a.m. 

If I'm gone someday, I wanna be remembered by the battles I've fought and my arts and the arts that saved me.

I'm always ready for the moment

To go or to live on.

I want ARTPOP displayed in front of my casket.

There'll be no explanation, It will be just ARTPOP.

Once during the starry night

Champagne supernova come inside me like never before

Don't forget me when I come crying to Heaven's door
I will fly in a challenger across the sky
Like a phoenix so you can remind them of the dream I bore

Jan 29, 2023 10:55 a.m.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

The next day another turn came, and so it continued always the same, coitus, christ, curses, ejaculation Always the same.

One of the old women tied the daily victim onto the old machine. He then was informed and went into the boudoir masturbating a bit in front of her vagina. Swearing, cursing and began to fuck without screams of lust and from the moment of ejaculation began to roar like a goat. He walked out not even looking at the woman, and repeated this three to four times on the same day with the saint.

[now, in his own words]

if he goes back, he shall sleep like a baby, tonight.

he shall dream of the dream that he once used to dream.

if he goes back, he shall enjoy whatever he was pleading for.

he shall wake up not feeling any battle.

if he goes back, he shall feel like he was graced by the spirit of a saint.

he shall enjoy his life in hometown.

the street where he was raised.

the street that he reminisces.

the part o' town he chose.

the part o' town that he learnt to include into the movie in his head.

it should be.

I won't have to keep searching or keep looking anymore.

It will be cinematic and dramatic just like how I picture it to be.

Then,

there'll be the morning that you'll wake up without the fear of having to battle with anything.

there'll be that morning.

there'll be the night where coming home from work feels so good.

i used to promise myself to, at least, live one scenic life in my entire life.

there'll be that night.

Jan 30, 2023 8:21 p.m.

I'm so scared.

I hate to open up and end up getting manipulated.

I know what I'm supposed to give, but I don't know what I'm supposed to receive.

When all I received was disagreement.

I have no one to turn to.

I have no one who's here, the same level as me.

Suddenly everything about me turned wrong and difficult.

I can't fathom which part I'm supposed to believe.

I don't understand the incessant need to care about what other people said.

I could walk through an infinite number of towns, battered and bruised.

What I couldn't do is, having the people that raised me and I trust gatekeeping me in a box. Just because they think they know better.

I'm trying so hard right now to write down every one of my emotions.

I can't be alone.

I can't paint.

I can't choose my own path.

I don't have a close friend to talk to.

I don't have anyone to share my minor success with.

i don't have a house where I feel home.

They fear that I'll be lost.

I fear that I'll lose my life to Phnom Penh's boulevard.

I fear that I'll lose my life to the rustic blade I used to cut my art.

Isn't it sad that there's always that same old tiring group of people that always popped your bubble dreams.

But I still couldn't give it all up.

I'm just so fucking speechless that I'm still here.

I'm just so fucking speechless that I chose freedom, death and company,

I'm so pissed that with all of my forgiveness, my loving, my kindness and loyalty, I still couldn't and haven't earned a speck of it back.

I can't cry sometimes.

I don't wanna die because I drowned my lungs with the tears I didn't shed.

If they cut me off, indeed, it hurts me. It's on their end anyhow.

No matter what, I've promised myself, I must go.

How do you sleep at night if you're just like me?

Feb 1. 2023 3:43 p.m.

You wouldn’t and don’t have to say a word when just because you leave because you wanna go to work

You have to watch your family fall apart.

You couldn’t say a word either

You’ll be speechless. You’ll be in great speechless.

Jun 21. 2023 8:30 p.m.

I got fired from my first job in April, after two months there.

All the complications, the bullshit, the manipulation and everything, have put me in a bad light and feeling kinda wrecked.

So much so that the following months, turning back to art has become painful and self-doubts is everywhere in the air.

I have learned a few new things too, I guess.

I, now, most of the time know that sometimes it is only in my head and exteriorly, everything was fine and is fine.

I can feel that I can be very unprofessional at times, in many so many ways, but mostly, that I can hardly keep my promise.

Promises are made, when the sense of love and happiness rigging up in me, but very much that I knew, this is a world where money is everything.

Being back home meant that I chose to live with my struggling sister, oh how her struggles effectively ripple big waves crashing on my shore.

Months of delayed progress. Months of back and forth, hence months of broken promises.

I am so dependent yet so independent, I will be mad if you are asking if I even understand myself.

I am only old enough to understand my yearnings and I got a lot to pine about and I got a lot to live without.

I, also, recently has started to write a book.

Writing it the genre that gave me a sense of true liberation from whatever the hellhole that happened of my birthday back in 2021.

I never know that I’ve got so much to say for years of somehow saying nothing at all and by nothing, I meant, no one thing I have said matters to me now.

I, narratively, killed myself in that one alternate world where I did what I and her promised each other. My hands just automatically write things down on its own accord. Somehow, it satisfies me greatly to acknowledge that, in every way ever, that love will never last the promised eternity. If it could’ve, it would’ve. There is no use in crying or crucifying the things she’s said and promised. When one’s in romance, one open the door welcomed joy and said things to fight off plights. 

Intimacy breeds Blissful Negligence.

Intimacy breeds Blissful Negligence.

Intimacy breeds Blissful Negligence.

Intimacy breeds Blissful Negligence, it picks the outfit for me, wearing me a rose colored glasses.

Jul 6, 2023 6:16 p.m. raining season is kicking in

I’ve never in my life wanna to move to live someone alone so bad.

I want to move to live in Kampot.

Reject it all and start another new life.

What are the possibilities?, I asked myself.

To which there is none.

I do not have or possess in me any ability to fathom or to bare or to break of the stigmas.

I might be enigmatic but I do not possess a strong will to do anything.

I’m feeling utterly lonely.

I have not met someone at my level to talk about with me.

Jul 8, 2023 9:02 p.m.

I’m feeling so happy deep inside tday.

But I’m sitting here on the broken couch hearing my sister recognizing someone down time but failed to notice me when it was so obvious sometimes…

Jul 15, 2023 4:25 p.m.

Today, by now, it occurs to me why some people choose to move far away to a place where they’re astranged to everything and everyone after they’ve faced something agonizing. I’m feeling that way now. Just when you thought your the last person in your household to understand you best, turned out that she’s just as cruel. How are you ruined by someone else’s fears and doubts so much, you devolved, from having a kind of clear outlooks on life to waking up with a frown literally every goddamn morning. You dredged going home. You feel better sitting with a group of acquaintance-like friends than going home. 

I told my sister to look me in my eyes, I asked why is she so scared of what others have to say but not about her brother’s well being. 

I get it and I’ve learned that no one really takes responsibility in the ruins of my figure, but why not make the room feel more spacious?

I guess that…

Sometimes I’m scared I suppose, if you ever let me go

I’d fall apart if you break my heart 

So I’ll let you do what u want

But at best, you can’t take my heart or used my mind

#dowhatuwant

Jul 30, 023 5:37 p.m.

From the dining table, at the house I do not ever want to visit, I greeted you.

I greeted you because, in my mind, I forgave you and I’ve still got some mutual respect within me.

Because I’m kind-hearted.

I greeted you because, for all the mental abuses you gave me, you are still someone of higher ground.

The higher ground within the category of life I do not want.

But!

But I know if a person resent me.

“Why”, cause the furious fury in my heart

But!

But, I, choose forgiveness and I admit that I will forever be in pain and hurting.

But I Forgive.

And I Move On.

Oct 17, 2023 3:15 p.m. at work

Champagne Problems;

My, my champagne problems…

It became so apparent to me that,

Detachment,

Detachment is the only thing that will save my sanity, keeping me sane and intact.

I was there every time.

But, for me.

For me, no one show up, show up to the party I host.

Being kind and spread kind-heartedness does not really propelled my wings at all.

I am feeling utterly lonely with this half-way success.

I, truly, only have me.

But I just couldn’t cry it off.

I’ve been sad about it enough, before.

…just couldn’t cry anymore…

But when I’m going out,

I know that, in life, I’ve got too many people to share it with.

In life, once I’m out there; wether I want it or not, I’ll have to share anyway

Life is strange, right?

I’m bearing with all the voices, mine and theirs, that told me I wouldn’t last a minute 

Kevin: But I’ll roll with you, fella!

Austin: Breathe deeper whence go out there…..

Oct 20, 023 5:12p.m.

Will the thing be less genuine if I told it or write it more than twice?

I defined sacredness as that one glistening feeling that lingers, so I smiled.

It’s always the bones-crushing dirty four in the floors and the soul grabbing synth. The heavy-bare-it-all synth.

Last night feels different from how it used to feel.

And I get the feeling that it supposed to be feeling this way.

I’m very happy about it and all of me, is happy.

…that it felt that way…

The texture of his skin, the “now I know how sweet a tongue could be”.

I earned “Good Boy!”s like a good worshipper.

Nov 16, 2023 6:44 p.m. 

They do not understand.

Indeed, they chose so.

All these bloodlines do is intrudes.

Intrudes & Takes.